


A garbage casserole

by DelphineCormiersHips



Category: Riverdale - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Parody, Riverdale, choni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 00:23:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15522003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DelphineCormiersHips/pseuds/DelphineCormiersHips
Summary: Just for clarification, this is entirely a joke. I don’t want to offend anyone, I am just doing all of this purely for humour.These characters are not my own and I am not tarnishing them.





	A garbage casserole

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy the mess babes x

The cold air was nippy, literally. Cheryl’s nipples could knock someone out if she turned fast enough. Toni couldn’t keep her eyes off them. They walked through the park, hand in hand. They wouldn’t usually stroll through a park at 9pm but who would turn up and all you can eat at pops. 

“You know, T, I would of never pictured you to eat as much as you did tonight.” Cheryl said softly as she nonchalantly glanced at the scenery. Toni stopped dead in her tracks and screwed her face up. “Are.. are you calling me a fat cunt?” Cheryl inhaled sharply and shook her head. “N-no. I.. I mean like-“ Toni interjected and shook her head. “I just think it’s funny how you think every single burger on the menu, cheesecake French fries and curly fries is a lot of food when I saw you down a whole chocolate cake and strawberry milkshake. That’s gonna go straight to your thighs and ass you dumb cow.” She scoffed and rolled her eyes. Cheryl squinted and folded her arms. “Actually, I had half a cheesecake and my drink. Having half the fucking menu two times over is fat. At least my metabolism can handle what I eat, you’re gonna get diabetes you fat slut.” Toni gasped dramatically and growled before storming off. “Go to a hairdresser and sort out your roots you cheap cunt.” 

Cheryl squealed and followed in tow. “I’ll have you know this is my natural colour. Can’t say the same for you with those pink two dollar clip in’s babe.” Cheryl smirked proudly as she stalked off with Toni in tow this time. “IT IS REAL HAIR YOU DIRTY BASTARD.” 

The two stormed off in silence. Valerie and Josie were sitting on a park bench nearby, eating ice cream. “You know, I’m glad we aren’t like that.” Josie said softly, glancing over at Valerie who was downing her ice cream rather quickly. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see that.” She added. Valerie rolled her eyes and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. “We aren’t like that because we are friends. We aren’t dating.” She clarified. Josie’s eyes widened in shock. “They’re dating?” She scoffed in shock. “I wouldn’t have guessed.” 

Valerie’s eyebrows knit together slowly. “Are you taking the piss?” She asked. Josie rolled her eyes. “As if I’d joke about...” she looked around cautiously and whispered. “Gays.” She covered her mouth as if she said a ‘bad word’. “Why- why are you talking like that?” Valerie asked in confusion. “I don’t understand the question?” Josie asked with a puzzled look. “Gays? What’s wrong with that word?” Valerie’s eyes widened in fear as Josie’s lanky ice cream covered hand smothered across her mouth. “Shhh!” She hushed loudly while looking around. “Not so loud!” She stage whispered and pulled away. “I.. I can’t do this. Call me when you calm dow- actually.” Valerie gave her once over and shook her head. “Don’t call me.” She walked off casually, trying hard not to look back at the mess of a woman. 

Toni and Cheryl had made their way back to Thornhill manor, they’d only been there for ten minutes and her mother was already glaring at her like she was a home intruder. “Mommy, if you’ve had Hal cooper in this house, Toni shouldn’t be a problem.” Cheryl said sarcastically. Penelope glared daggers at Cheryl and shook her head, smirking daringly before speaking. “At least Hal didn’t eat all my food.” She glanced over at Toni who was ignoring them both while basically making out with a bowl of strawberries. Cheryl shook her head and quirked a brow at her mother. “He are you, didn’t he?” She looked her mother up and down and stood up, walking over to her girlfriend, leaving her mother dumbfounded. 

Cheryl was the last to bed out of the two, which was odd because it was HER house. Like go figure lmao. She walked out of her closet in her favourite pair of red silk and black lace trimmed edges, to find the queen of the buskers lounged on her bed. “What am I looking at right now?” She asked while approaching the bed, gesturing around it. “This?” She asked again. “What is it?” 

Toni quirked a brow and shrugged. “Yeah look, I don’t understand what you’re actually getting at. So, if you don’t mind. Hit the lights and let’s go to sleep.” Cheryl’s eyes widened she couldn’t believe just how brazen this little dyke was. “Okay do I look like Oprah Winfrey? Get the fuck off of my bed you’re sleeping on the ottoman.” She pointed to the ottoman pushed up against the end of her bed. “I won’t be sharing my bed with trailer trash.” She muttered as Toni got up slowly. “How can any human sleep on that?” She questioned, looking over at Cheryl who was dowsing her bed in glen 20 spray. There was brief pause with awkward eye contact before Cheryl straightened her posture and cleared her throat. “I am more than certain it will be much more comfortable than that hard springy mattress you usually sleep on.” 

Toni’s brows knitted together angrily as the words dripped from the gingers luscious lips. “Problem?” She questioned cockily, suddenly pulling glad wrap out of nowhere and covering her mattress in it. “Better late than never, right?” She chuckled and shook her head. “I mean, the sheets are already spoiled now aren’t they? You’ve already slipped in. A few washes should get you out of the sheets, I’ll have to use the spare ones until then.” She pat a small spot of the mattress after it was glad wrapped. Her lips puckered in thought as she began spreading it out. 

“What the actual fuck am I witnessing right now?” Toni asked, cutting the ginger bombshell from her thoughts. “I didn’t realise you were still here.” She giggled softly and shook her head. “I’m so bad.” She commented and brushed hair behind her ear. 

They were interrupted by a knock at the door, finding the one and only penelopenis standing in the doorway. “You’re a leach, mother. Can’t make it five steps without finding you sucking the very blood from my hot bod.” 

“You’re so presumptuous you pig of a child.” Her mother spat calmly. Cheryl went to retort, but was cut off before even a sound slipped out. “I merely sauntered by to see if you were head deep in this little home wreckers vagina.” Both girls looked at the woman in shock. “I don’t believe it’s any of your concern you wretched woman of the night.” Cheryl spat out before slamming the door in her mothers face. Toni giggled softly and sat on the ottoman trying to figure out how she would sleep on such a small cushion. 

“That’s not ready babe.” Cheryl rushed into her closet and came out with what seemed to be a dirty stained towel, she covered the ottoman before then pulling newspaper out from under her bed and spreading it generously across the ottoman. “I guess you can have nana Rose’s knitted blanket.” She muttered, basically pegging it at Toni. Smacking the brunette in the face before dropping to the floor. 

“It’s called catch, you dumb broad.” Cheryl rolled her eyes before throwing spare sheets and blankets over her own bed. 

“I- you know what, nevermind.” Toni crawled up onto the ottoman and curled up like a dog under the knitted blanket. 

She woke up to a burning smell, opening her eyes to find herself somehow outside on a barrel of hay. “What-“ 

Penelope interjected. “I see you’ve finally woken up, it only took me burning your filthy greasy locks to wake you.” She rolled her eyes in annoyance before Toni started grabbing at her hair. “You- what the fuck?” Some parts where shorter than the others, evidently. “What type of psychotic bitch do you have to be to do this?” 

Penelope was completely ignoring the child, she was too engrossed in applying a new layer of lipstick while shamelessly using Toni’s compact mirror. The brunette pulled her hair up into a ponytail, frowning at the shorter parts sticking out up the top. “Why am I out here?” She asked, looking up at the drooling woman. “Oh. You’ve caught me at a bad time.” She explained. “I’ve caught you, ya reckon?” Toni scoffed. “You dragged me out here and i am the one who’s caught you?” She shook her head in disbelief. “Everything’s suddenly checking out.” She whispered, walking passed the older woman who purposely threw herself to the ground screaming. “Oh god!” She groaned. “Why would you do that?” Penelope winced. 

“I’m sorry? Do what exactly? Why have you thrown yourself to the floor like a toddler throwing a tantrum?” She turned completely to stare at the woman on the ground. “How could you beat your friends mother like this?” She groaned louder, squirming on the ground. “What the fuck man?” Toni questioned before speed walking off, Penelope’s cries of agony got louder the further Toni walked off. 

Veronica woke up to her phone vibrating itself off of her bedside table, she threw it into a wall and rolled over, trying to snooze off, seconds later, her door burst open to Josie barging in. “I’ve helped myself to your house if you don’t mind.” She states, sitting at the end of the bed and eyeing the raven-haired girl up and down. Veronica sits up groggily and fixes her hair into a bun. “What is happening?” She asked before yawning. “It’s so early..” 

“It’s literally three pm you absolute dickhead.” Josie interjected. “Why you are even still sleeping, baffles me. Anyway, theres bigger fish to fry.” She said, shaking her head. “Toni and Cheryl are dating?” She waved her hands about and looked at Veronica with SHOOK written all over her face. “Go figure.” 

Veronica sighed softly and pulled the covers off of herself. “They’ve been dating for three months now, how didn’t you know? They don’t exactly hide it? I’ve walked into the girls toilets and they literally fucking on sink?” Josie shot up in pure shock, dry reaching while hitting her chest. 

There was an awkward silence before Veronica just shook her head and walked over her. “Finally awake, mija.” Hiram said casually, looking up from his spot on the windowsill. 

“And you’re sitting up there why?” Veronica questioned sarcastically. 

“Because your mother has decided to mop the floor and threatened to cut my head off if I dirtied it so I just saved myself and decided to sit up here until it’s dry.” He reasoned, yet Veronica was already gone before he even finished his sentence. Josie finally left Veronica’s room and trotted out to the kitchen, spotting Veronica instantly. She was sitting up on the counter eating what looked like cereal from a distance but the closer she got the more she realised it was actually white frosting littered with orange pubes. “Don’t tell me?” She held her hand over her mouth. “Nah I can’t. That’s fucking nasty.” She commented before spewing into the sink. Veronica didn’t even notice Josie had been in the same room as her until she was vomiting in the sink beside her. Veronica, slightly startled, sat the bowl beside herself and watched Josie. 

Josie looked back up at her friend, wiped her mouth and sighed. “Okay.. I think I’m good.” She whispered, smiling awkwardly. Veronica noticed Josie managed to lose her four front teeth during the.. episode. She held back vomit of her own, composing herself before speaking. “Cute.. awks.” She whispered, lightly nudging Josie before slipping off of the counter and sauntering off. “Everything okay, mija?” Hiram asked casually as he was now tapped to the window. Veronica had to do a double take before realising just how fucked up his position was. “Wow you’re really stuck on there hey?” She said, walking over. “Yes. One could say your mother is a bit of a hot head when it comes to dirtying the floor. You see, I’ve realised I stranded myself on the window with no supplies. I simply decided to waddle over to cheekily grab my newspaper, some light reading while I wait. Not I see you’re probably thinking that’s normal. However, your mother noticed a spec of fluff off of my sock. And well, this was the result of that finding.” 

When he finished his story, he noticed Veronica was already engaged in another conversation with Hermione, completely forgetting about him. “He’s nothing but a dirty rat.” Hermione spat, completely ignoring his presence. “What did he do?” Veronica questioned. “I walked in on him taking pictures of his gross ass gangrene looking feet. I simply can’t handle him any more Veronica. Who was he sending them  
To you’re probably wondering. Well, the proof is in the pudding as they say.” Hermione stared daggers at her husband as she walked passed her daughter and reached into Hiram’s pocket as he was tapped to the window. “It’s nothing mi amor.” Hiram tried to reassure his gorgeous wife, but she was already throwing up at the thought of looking at his sleazy feet pics. “Oh my god,” Veronica held bile back and exhaled shakily. “I’ll look, mom.” She whispered, taking the phone from her mother. 

In the recent texts, she found a conversation between Hal cooper and her dad, determining who’s bringing what to the next potluck. “I’m not even going to ask.” She whispered before exiting out quickly. Another text between Archie and Hiram where Archie confessed his love for Hiroom. “I.. Ive been fucking Betty anyway.” She commented, still hurt. 

At that, both her parents glared at her. “Have you seen her bod? And like.. don’t get me started on her mother I-“ hiram interjected with a loud hacking cough. 

“You’re right, this isn’t the time. I mean, afterall im not the one taped to the window being interrogated.” She said sarcastically before reading the next texts, her nose started bleeding as she forced herself to hold back the pending vomit. “Nana rose you fucking reckon?” 

Hermione stopped dead in her tracks and glared at the man. “You-“ She shook her head. “Leave us, please Veronica.”


End file.
